Just Because it is Normalized Does Not Mean it is Okay!

Just because it is normalized does not mean it is okay. Life tends to have many ways of teaching me this lesson.  

I remember telling my sister, who was still a believing member, that I was leaving the high demand religion we were raised in and her response caught me off guard: 

“Does this mean you’ll no longer be an a$$?” 

Her feedback allowed me to reflect as I did not view myself as an a$$. I was blinded because the toxic behaviors had been so normalized from my perspective. (Please note I am only speaking to my experience and not commenting on the nature of religion or any given faith.)  

A few years later, I faced another turning point. My 8-year marriage came to completion, and I had to confront a profound truth about how I had shown up in emotionally toxic ways as a man that were normalized during my upbringing.  

There have been many times life shows me that what has been normalized is not always okay. These moments invite me to redefine my normal for being a man. For me, leaving a high demand religion was just the first step but recovery is really about creating a new normal for every aspect of my life especially being a man. 

I realized that the version of masculinity that my childhood faith taught me normalized a lot of toxic behaviors. Underlying these behaviors was the need to create safety by looking outside of myself. I was raised to feel safe through obedience, conformity, self-silencing, people pleasing and seeking approval from church leaders (just to name a few). This tendency to distrust myself was compounded by the scripture that taught “the natural man is an enemy to god.”  

Normalizing seeking only an external sense of safety while also instilling a distrust in myself resulted in toxic, controlling and passive aggressive behaviors that simply kept me from the life and relationships I wanted.  

Since then, my journey has been about redefining a new normal by creating a grounded internal sense of security, trusting myself and learning that the natural (authentic) man is divine.  

Continuing to walk this journey of redefining my normal has been life changing. It’s allowed me to create a reality where I am both enough and safe simply because I am me. With this new normal, I show up to life and my partner, family and friends in much more health ways that honor who I feel I am. 

The key to creating more of a life that I want has been to continually redefine my normal and let go of the normalized things that no longer serve me.