Reframing Assertiveness: From Control to the Explorer’s Energy

Assertiveness. It’s a trait that many of us struggle to embody—especially when our upbringing has shaped it into something unrecognizable. 

For me, assertiveness was a complex, even dangerous concept growing up. Raised in a high-demand, patriarchal religious structure and with a father who had narcissistic personality disorder, I learned that submission was the safest way to exist. The messages I received reinforced this: 

• The natural man is an enemy to God unless he submits like a child. 
• Obedience is the highest virtue. 
• To challenge authority is to walk the path of destruction. 

Assertiveness wasn’t encouraged—it was demonized. And when I did witness assertiveness, it was in its most toxic form: control, domination, aggression. It was about power over, not power within. So, I internalized a belief that assertiveness was unsafe, that it was something to avoid. 

Yet, as I grew into myself and began creating a vision for my life, I realized something crucial: my dreams require assertiveness. I cannot build the life I desire without claiming my space, owning my voice, and taking intentional action. 

But how could I embody assertiveness when the very thought of it activated wounds of dominance and self-silencing? 

The Shadow of Assertiveness 

A big part of my healing journey was recognizing why assertiveness often feels like aggression. The reason? Because many people experience assertiveness from the wounded masculine. 

When assertiveness is expressed from a place of fear, insecurity, or control, it becomes a defensive, protective mechanism. It’s an armor. A way to keep people from seeing our vulnerabilities. 

This shadow-side assertiveness is: 

• Fear-driven – acting from a place of avoiding pain rather than seeking fulfillment. 
• Controlling – focused on ensuring outcomes rather than allowing natural expansion. 
• Self-protective – using dominance to create a false sense of safety. 

But what if assertiveness could come from a completely different energy? One that isn’t about defense, but about discovery? 

The Explorer: A New Model for Assertiveness 

Through deep reflection, I found a new framework for assertiveness—one that isn’t rooted in control, but in curiosity. 

I call this the Explorer’s Energy. 

Unlike the wounded masculine, the explorer doesn’t act out of fear. He doesn’t use assertiveness to create safety—he moves because he already knows he is safe. His energy is open, expansive, and forward-moving, not because he’s trying to protect himself, but because he’s trying to discover himself. 

The Explorer’s Assertiveness is Different 

• It is curiosity-driven, not fear-driven. 
• It is about passion and expansion, not control and avoidance. 
• It invites vulnerability, rather than shutting it down. 
• It is creative and adventurous, not defensive and rigid. 

The explorer doesn’t force his way through life. He simply follows the call of his inner vision and asks, What’s beyond that river? What’s over that mountain? He moves forward with intention, not aggression. 

Assertiveness as a Path to Creation 

This shift in perspective changed everything for me. Instead of fearing assertiveness, I now see it as a creative force. 

When we embody the explorer, we no longer use assertiveness to protect ourselves—we use it to express ourselves. 

And this is the kind of assertiveness required to build an authentic life. One where we are no longer hiding behind submission or control but stepping boldly into our own adventure. 

Curiosity is Safety 

The key realization? Curiosity is safe. 

Many people use assertiveness to create safety—to dominate their environment so nothing can hurt them. But true confidence comes from knowing that you already are safe. That you are strong enough to navigate uncertainty. That you don’t need to control outcomes to move forward. 

When we embody the explorer’s energy, we approach life not with the need to conquer, but with the desire to discover. We assert ourselves not because we fear being unseen, but because we are excited to be seen. 

And that is a powerful shift. 

Are You Ready to Explore? 

If you’ve struggled with assertiveness—if you’ve associated it with control, dominance, or fear—I invite you to explore a new way. 

The explorer within you is waiting. Waiting for you to claim your vision, to step into your truth, and to move forward with curiosity, confidence, and creativity. 

You don’t have to force your way into the life you want. 

You just have to be willing to explore it. 

 If you are ready to go deeper then I am here for you as a life coach and Gentle Warrior